College Abridged

I was fooling around with tumblr themes and came across this book-like look, which may or may not stay for a while. It’s ironic, that at the bottom of each post it says “unabridged” In a sense, while this is an abridged version of college, this is the medium that it most unabridged for me to express my thoughts.

Things have been looking up. I don’t feel a nagging feeling to tell people close to me that I am depressed or about social alienation before college. I am more stressed by essays than social life, which is a good sign, I guess.

It’s surprising I am not left in as much of a funk as I thought I would be, thanks to a variety of people popping up in my life at the right time. Of course, for all I know, I could be depressed tomorrow. But for now, I am still a little stale, but much better.

Five Things

1) Flexibility

2) Free time

3) Literacy

4) Being provided for

5) Convenience

It’s amazing how normal life can go on after such dramatic events. Before, depression consumed and agitated my chest, now I’m wondering about how I’m going to finish my essay.

It’s been an uneasy peace, one capable of being shattered at any moment. But I am reassured, even as I may still feel lacking, that I am accepted, if only by a few people. My thoughts turn to the person I always wanted to be- honest, caring, friendly…and how to get past this point in my life and get to be that person.

The highs and lows come and go, alternating by the hours sometimes. I want to learn about the lives of other, realize how truly fortunate I am. I want to have that longing to live, to appreciate each day and have something to look forward to. And I’m still wondering how to get to that point.

But it’s hard to believe progress can come when your resources are devoted to fighting the darkness. You don’t worry about what fancy handbag to buy if you’re starving on the streets. If only I could finish this war, and then commit to the next.

Five Things

1) Family

2) Food

3) Philosophical discussions

4) Chocolate

5) Free news

I haven’t felt so happy in…for much of my life. I am less angtsy, less willing to curse my life, less likely to take out my pain on something unrelated.

Fortunately, I met with some friends today, again I am saved by the reassurance that I am loved. Oh, how I wish I could go up to my depressed peers and assure them, yes, people love you!

One of my friends assured me of the depth of her love, even if I committed some egregious sin, she said she would still be on my side. And I know she means it, because she has always stuck by my side, even as I confided with her my faults, complained, over and over, about injustices in life, as she listened, sympathetic. It is not a part of me that I can expose to most others. I am truly blessed and unworthy of her friendship.

When you’re depressed, you don’t want to cooperate. You don’t want to be the bigger person, to be the good sport. I had hid from friends who hurt me, who caused me pain. I didn’t want to put myself out there because I didn’t want to face the drama. But this friend, she didn’t- she ran to the problem. She helped her friends when they needed her. As a result, she faces her share of emotional issues, but she takes it on, as a good sport, for them, yes even they who hurt her. If only I could be as brave!

But my high point came after my meeting with two of my floormates I had my freshman year. I swear, if we had still been on the same floor last year I would not be as depressed! They were the best floormates that one could ask for, and I deeply cared for them. And the way they supported me, cared for me, despite all my faults, my social awkwardness…I had seen them only once in the past school year, I would not have thought they cared. If I was gone from this world, they would surely feel sorrow. I thought about the people I couldn’t win over: my awkwardness making them turn away. And yet, there they were, they accepted me and they cared. What was I thinking, that I didn’t matter? The episodes that have resurfaced lately have been pushed back somewhat as I am fortunate to face this reassurance, able to be confident in it. But is this simply a band aid? How long can I go on like this, broken and fixed?

I felt there was no meaning to my life, in that, I was not doing anything meaningful. I was not saving the rain forests or liberating the refugees. But I realized, there was a contribution I did make. I made my friends smile. They don’t always tell me that, but when they do, it’s truly the kindest thing I can hear.

I suppose I should do my five things again

1) People who care

2) Good music

3) The ability to worry over small things (the bigger things have been taken care of)

4) World class education

5) Stability

There is a lot of things to point at for a Freudian analysis of my sadness. The love I didn’t get from my parents. My period of social isolation. But the one thing I know is that whatever I’m feeling- it’s related to something social- the belief that I am lacking in something that everyone else has- the ability to be accepted. Perhaps if there’s one word describing what I’m looking for in these times- it’s acceptance.

I have been declining mid-week, but twice I felt a strong rebound, because twice I felt acceptance by someone. And it strengthened me, but at the same time, I wonder if that’s the way it has to be, that I keep falling down and I need someone to pick me up, over and over. Still, it’s better than fighting it alone, which was just about all I had been doing and likely the only solution for most of the time, even now, when I know who would be willing to talk to and who not.

So I tried to explain it, last night, to my RA. And she listened, for an hour she listened. And let me tell you, having someone listen to you may have more an impact in these circumstances not for the sake of having an ear to listen so much as just knowing there is someone out there, in this world, who cares enough to listen. Someone who you previously thought didn’t care much about you. But why am I surprised, after all? Why am I so ashamed to ask my friends for help, believing that I am simply a waste of their time, when I am willing to listen to my friends talk because I care about them? Isn’t that what friendship is? Why should I be surprised when someone actually does?

I know, people care. Even if they show it in ways that I don’t necessarily associate with caring, namely, doing nothing. But the thought of that, that at least someone out there cares, feels almost as though my worth increases, just with that. I am so very grateful and undeserving.

So I went to the gym, wondering if I can suppress the pain in the workout. But I am weaker than usual today, and my body gave out on the harder weights. I am even more tired than usual now, depression taking its toll on my stamina. The pain was still there. I think about a friend who was making me depressed, and if I should just stay away. Another time, I would tolerate it. But not now, not someone to serve as a reminder that acceptance is not universal.

What should I do? What is my battle plan? I know what is making me sad, now how do I deal with this? For good? Why can’t I be the person I always wanted to be, a charismatic, friendly presence- all because I’m dealing with too much inner turmoil that I can’t give much more than mediocre. I feel like a person on a wheelchair observing all the people who can walk. Why? The questions are endless.

But the assurance, that at least my friends care, that gives you, a lot of strength.

Why does it hurt just to be alive? Is it supposed to be this way? Each day, it’s just getting worse and worse…and I realized, I’m getting depressed again.

How does it feel? Depressing. Sad. But at least this time I know what to expect, like awaiting a long winter again. The tastelessness of the food, the restlessness at night, the blandness of everything…At least my grades didn’t take a hit then.

But at the same time having gone through it before makes the experience worse because it all becomes self-fulfilling prophecy. I feel even worse anticipating how I’m supposed to feel. But right now I’m getting ready, like wearing a raincoat and setting up your umbrella in anticipation of the rain. There’s only so much to be done, considering I’m putting up with this mostly alone.

It’s just a cycle. I feel the need to act happy and smile, because who wants you to ruin their day with a sad face? I want someone to talk to, I want someone who genuinely just wants to help…but when I ask, they turn away. Even the most eager to help are only willing to stick by for one conversation. And those who truly care, willing to give you their shoulder to cry on, few as they are, they are the busiest, they are the last people I’d want to bother, so I stay away. And what’s left, do I need to find out that no, they don’t want to spend their time helping you, that was not what the friendship entailed. So it’s a cycle, the time when you need the most love you find people unwilling to prove the depth of that.

Sighs…why can’t I just be happy? Why can’t I just live, just live and not feel exhausted, like I’m going on a downward slope until I am completely consumed by these thoughts?

Just smile, just be happy. I don’t like to see you with a sad face, so just smile. And I’m just thinking, of my friend who has eczema, and I’m not going to tell her to stop scratching herself just because it disturbs me, because that’s what she needs to do. So again, as I face broken promises from my friends, friends who will only think of you when they need something, just feeding into the sadness of it all, that something is wrong with me. And wondering, because I’m sad when I think about it, is it best to just not think about it? Or would that simply be suppressing the sadness that will inevitably burst eventually? And the sadness, the sadness seemingly without reason, without the feeling that someone cares enough to actually ask what’s going on and be willing to help you and having to smile throughout it all…

But I have to keep strong. I have goals to accomplish, quizzes to study for. I need to trust myself. Even though it is hard, even though it is painful, doing it yourself is the only option that seems possible when your friends are being upset by your depression. I need to find something to do that will help me. What other way is there to turn?

1) Confidence

2) School events

3) People who care

4) Rationality

5) Chance

1) Sunlight

2) My jobs/positions

3) Keepsakes

4) Personal cards

5) Services

6) Holidays

7) Heroes

8) Stories

9) Self-control

10) Inspiration

1) Internet access

2) Travel

3) Freedom

4) Breaks

5) Humor

1) Trees

2) Markers

3) Curves

4) Cough drops

5) Sudoku

I may repeat things, forgive me

1) Interesting readings

2) Landscapes

3) Ear plugs

4) Technology

5) Parents

6) Fast food

7) Air conditioning

8) Towels

9) Considerate people

10) Election victories